I just don’t understand men sometimes. Not that they understand woman but seriously….so Jeff wanted to go surprise Fallon today and then he informed me he was going to go meet Joel for coffee before he went to red deer. Ok sure, no problem. That was a couple of days ago. So he gets up with Stasia this am and stays up. Brings me coffee in bed so that I get to see him before he goes. So I ask him where he is meeting Joel and he responds ‘Starbucks’. I gave him a look as in thanks jackass, there’s 100 Starbucks in Edmonton. Then he squeaks out the one in miller. Yep…he’s going to meet his buddy at the Starbucks that’s 2 blocks away from his old mistress. I hate to be insecure but seriously!!!! WTF. Yes it’s been a year and a half, but I’m not over it. I’ll never be over it. I’ll never forget. It’s not like I think he’s meeting her….but the chance of them running into each other is highly possible. She quite enjoys Starbucks and its within walking distance. I can’t handle the thought of him straying again. I don’t want to end up paranoid again and I feel like I’m going down that path again. I’m not sure if its my own low self esteem and lack of self image. Or the fact that I know he’s feeling useless because he doesn’t know how to provide more for us. I’ve been on his case about him ‘providing’ and ‘taking care’ of us. Is that enough to push him away? I’m perpetually worried about that when he’s off by himself or when he stays up at night to ‘read’. Why does this always linger in my head. Why do I worry that I’m not enough. Or should I say that he’s not programmed to stay with one person. Or the stress that I put on him is enough to push him into someone else’s bed.
So then I text him and I know he read it, and doesn’t even respond, I’m sorry…get over it…we’ll go elsewhere.
And the stupid tears flow….